Posts Tagged ‘family annihilation’
When she “Shows and Tells” — take it seriously. It takes courage.
We tell young people to speak up about abuse.
This one did.”
Our global village — it seems to me that approximately one a week, at least nationwide, is occurring. The police WILL respond, and will sometimes prevent or minimize the fall-out, but more likely (they are only human, they are not omnipresent) they will count and identify the bodies, and speak to reporters, and neighbors. This is too late for those speaking up. This can be true when it comes to domestic violence also.
Before you read this post — if you read fast, if you skim well, and if you could commit to read THREE (3) pages of single-spaced, narrative, print, you will understand more: Do NOT pass go. Click on the centered title “Brave Children Speak Up” Read the first page “intro”, to the bottom, hit “next” or “continued,” then the next page to the bottom, click on “next” and then the 3rd page, to the bottom (individual stories).
Brave Children Speak Up
Alanna’s story is well-known — she finally fled from Northern California to Southern (Los Angeles) and was able to get help.
How I Process (present tense) My Experience (past)
I did not experience abuse as a child. Mine didn’t start til I was almost 40 years old. Yet I will affirm — you are not the same afterwards — your understanding of the world is not the same either, and never will be. You can function, but you sprout antenna, learn to “deal,” test your systems of meaning (all, for the most part, remain suspect), and are much, much, MUCH more alert to the various signals and possible interpretations of almost every one. This is rough on people you wish to maintain friendships, let alone a romantic connection, with. I know that I “tested.’ When my friend passed the test, didn’t blow up, didn’t run away, it frightened me more. I lost so many job situations that (for a period), I began to self-sabotage work rather than experience the forced-out situation again. (Economic control is a primary means of control). I felt like I was another species for a while, and finally accepted that, in some respects, I was. And I was NOT sexually abused as a child. . . . Or beaten. . . . Or deprived.
Negotiating what for others is often an Average situation:
[Leaving home. Coming back home. Possibly reporting what happened at home — to be continued. . . ]
One dilemma still up for grabs is a difficult one. I have faith, but I do not trust churches. This affects support systems and for sure sociability. But, I will affirm — there ARE people (both genders) who target these areas, and this IS one area a vulnerable (to being dominated to excess) women can be found. They also take in divorced and needy women, at times, hence, a charming unscrupulous man will find ample fields there.
One has to constantly renegotiate meaning in life. I have come to believe this is an asset. Intuition comes in handy in many fields (particularly artistic ones or ones that deal with group dynamics).
When abuse happens mid-way, or later in life, it is difficult to know what goals to set, in exiting it. It is also VERY difficult to exit it, as by middle age, so many professions, communities, and connections have come. More schooling is not always the answer. What about relationships?
I cannot imagine being a child who has betrayed by an adult.
Mine were (I will testify and do). But I cannot imagine it still, how to callous onesself and just go deal with it.
Again:
Brave Children Speak Up
I cannot think too hard on this one today. I refuse to abuse substances to turn my mind away. Each day’s internal parasympathetic (?) wiring stands alone, how much it can handle, but because I know what it’s like to have people “unable to stomach” my truths, I try to process and stomach others’ I read about. Can you handle this one? Perhaps you can. Children in the situation HAVE to.
I would like to say: It’s not the gun, but the attitude in the person carrying the gun. If it was not a gun, it could be a knife, an ax, or as happened recently a sword.
It’s also another, more communal problem called “denial.”
February 25, 2009
14 year old Priscilla Amador did not want to have sex or interact sexually with a man 40 years her senior. Especially her father. About 8 years of this was too much. Finally she worked up courage to tell: The Miami Herald, 2-27-09Police respond to “shots fired” and find family dead in murder-suicide
Editor’s note: This tragic incident is one of several like it that have surfaced recently. Although the exact details are not yet known, the mass violence it reflects needs to be noted.
. . . “It’s important to remember that one of the most dangerous persons an officer can face is someone who feels they’ve got nothing to live for and nothing to lose. There are a growing number of those people and that’s a very real threat to officer safety and survival. Now, more than ever, officers need to be highly trained, highly focused and thoroughly prepared to deal with the threats and challenges of doing their jobs in a time of crisis.”
Stay alert, be trained—even if it means taking steps to seek your own training—and remember that even “regular people” who would otherwise seem harmless and unlikely to pose a deadly threat, like the man in this incident, may in fact be extremely dangerous.
— Scott Buhrmaster, PoliceOne Managing Editor
RE: “ someone who feels they’ve got nothing to live for “
My recommended reading: Viktor Frankl, “Man’s Search for Meaning.”
There are choices, even in a concentration camp.
Another link that is not always explored, but should be, is the pharmaceutical connection. I speak as someone whose father in law was on medication (and committed suicide). Not smart to tinker too much with this chemistry. My policy is, don’t! Your body was designed smart: handle with care.
By Matt Sedensky
Associated PressMIAMI — A 53-year-old man fatally shot his wife and two daughters Wednesday before turning the gun on himself, and a 16-year-old son who survived the attack managed to call 911 as he escaped uninjured from the Miami home, authorities said. . . .
Sarit Betancourt, a 44-year-old school bus driver who lives near the family, said the father is a Cuban immigrant who gave piano lessons at a guitar shop and at his home. Betancourt’s two sons, ages 9 and 10, had been taking piano lessons from him once a week since 2006.
“He was a marvelous person and a tremendous professor,” she said. “People would enter the house, and you just breathed peace.”
[WELL, not for a little girl….]
PLEASE READ THE LINK (above) & THINK.
It cost her -- and her sister -- and her mother - their lives. I speculate that HE could not stand the shame or public exposure -- that task had been assigned (by him) for HER to carry. I'll say, assuming the charges were valid. One way to cut short THAT conversation, well, see headlines. "Be Prepared!" How? I don't know, but I know I must find out. So should you. I cannot editorialize much today. I am processing this one... I have teens. I also know that the issue is NOT primarily sex. It's about character, values, and entitlements. I do not think we should be suspecting all our neighbors of this (though clearly it's underreported). Perhaps we should all make sure that our kids have at least ONE other NON-family member they can confide in, and who know them. And we should all be informed of the overlap between wife abuse and child abuse. And that our young women are to value, and be able to hold, boundaries. Unfortunately, these boundaries are daily violated in so many contexts (including schools), that I'm at some loss to, as I posted elsewhere, safety a "place." I think that self-sufficiency has to be a THING you carry with you. As I said, today, there are limits to what can be processed. But I will not drop the topic. Are you, reader, aware that in Family Courts across the nation, custody of children, when contested, it being given to batterers in retaliation for reporting abuse of one form or another. If you don't believe me, believe the children who reported, and lived to tell:Related Articles:
Six die in L.A. family murder-suicide
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Irreconciliable differences?
Decades after mediation became the model in divorce, and was pushed worldwide (starting in Calif., especially in the 1980s), it still has a sour taste…
Hey — Can we talk about consequences of this doctrine, yet??? This is the U.K., only last fall (Sept. 2008). I was googling another incident, and:
Kate Hilpern, in “The Guardian” asks:
Ending it all
This week’s killing of two little girls by their father, who then killed himself, is the latest in a shocking tally of so-called ‘family wipe-outs’. What drives men, often described as devoted to their children, to carry out such crimes? And can we stop them? Kate Hilpern reports
Every six to eight weeks (and lately, more frequently) a man or a woman – usually a man – kills their partner or their children and then themselves. Most of these cases are never reported. David Wilson, professor of criminology at Birmingham City University, explains that, somewhere along the line, our perception of murder has become warped and “murder-suicides” don’t quite fit prevailing news values. “Most people have a view of murder – which is very much constructed by the media – as stranger-perpetrated and requiring police to try to catch those perpetrators. In fact, the clear-up [rate] for murder [is currently around] 88% and that’s because you don’t have to be a Cracker to work out who’s done it. When it comes to children, the most likely person to kill them is their parent, just as when it comes to adults, the most likely person is their partner.”
No, this wasn’t in my world view growing up, either. . . Yours??? Theirs??
This article intelligently addresses several of the primary issues, such as what these were NOT (temporary insanity). It WAS predictable, and probably avoidable. It WAS about power and revenge. Frequently, the woman was ignored. Precursors besides clear threats, and a history of battering the woman, include often depression, and recent or long-term unemployment or unemployment. And/or stalking. Clear refusal to obey orders. I personally KNOW these things (all of them), and it scares the bejeebers out of me.
What has frightened me, if possible, much, much more, is that with each return to a family court judge, there is no alarm, fright, concern, or apparent belief of the warning signs. Instead, there is this kind of “stupor,” as in, where’s the blood? When was the last time you were taken to the emergency room. Was there an actual threat to kill?
No, not this time. The point was made clear years ago, and has continued to be made clear through enforcement of minor requests as orders (or else), or taking my daughters when I attempted to set a line in the sand — or collect child support arrears.
To be taken with an ex-spouse in front of a court that refuses to believe (or review the file), and have a mutual knowing that this is not going to be taken seriously — and then to go and read the laws that say, it IS to be taken seriously — that is a very, very, frightening experience, my friends. It interferes with daily life often enough. How low can one lie? Is it possible to lie below the radar of such intense stubborn refusal to comply (with court orders), such flagrant challenging of them rubber stamped publically — but not for women.
“In other cases of murder suicide – which, despite the recent spate, have remained constant in terms of numbers for several decades – there is a very clear history of domestic violence. In other cases of murder suicide – which, despite the recent spate, have remained constant in terms of numbers for several decades – there is a very clear history of domestic violence. “
“Julia Pemberton’s ex-husband repeatedly warned her that he would kill her. It wasn’t that she didn’t take notice, as she told friends, family and police. Family court judges were aware of the terror. Her final 16-minute 999 call made headlines in 2004 when it was read out at the inquest into her and her 17-year-old son William’s murders, committed by her husband, who also killed himself.”
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I note that the address URL for this article read “/children.mentalhealth”
Here’s a wonderful excerpt from the AFCC website talking about how the “old” terminology of criminal law was just so inappropriate, outmoded, as it were, for family law. After all, it’s a “family,” right?
(This is from the AFCC link to the right, the history page):
“The 1980s: The Mediation Explosion”
“The Children’s Bureau of the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare awarded AFCC a research grant to study the effects of mediation on custody and visitation disputes in courts in Connecticut, Los Angeles and Minneapolis.
Interest in court-connected reconciliation counseling was diminishing, and joint custody, mediation, domestic violence and stepfamilies were becoming central issues. The legislation boom had begun, and it was moving in a strong wave from California across the United States. Mandatory mediation and joint custody were hot topics.AFCC’s Mediation Committee hosted three national symposia on mediation standards between 1982 and 1984. Representatives of more than thirty organizations participated in developing the first set of Model Standards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation. By the late 1980s, mediation of custody and visitation disputes was mandatory in jurisdictions in more than 33 states.”
I have experienced mediation 3 times. It was a farce each time. It also was a violation of due process, and immediately upended the family dynamics — and households. I am utterly opposed to its use in DV, and the family courts are utterly adamant about it up here. WHY, one wonders. Streamlines the process, no messy “reviewing” of the court record, or the history of DV that perhaps led to the breakup to start with.
Perhaps there should be an automatic safety rule, as Dads feel so disempowered, and need to act quickly to restore the balance — a cooling off period of at least 3 months, perhaps. Perhaps. I don’t know, but mediation will not work when the power balance includes physical violence and intimidation. Depending on how one defines “works.” A 32 year old man, here (above) was sure he’d win. When he didn’t, he found another way to “win.” We need another paradigm.
Let's Get Honest! Absolutely Uncommon Analysis of Family & Conciliation Courts' Operations, Practices, & History 
Who is the “loco” in “In Loco Parentis” courts, again, this time?
with 2 comments
I saw the article. I want to say… loudly …
WHO CARES ANYMORE??
Father, two boys found dead (video)
Who is the “loco” in “In Loco Parentis” courts, again, this time?
March 30, 2009 (WLS) — McLean County authorities say Michael Connolly and his two young sons have been found dead in rural Putnam County.
“Nine-year-old Duncan and 7-year-old Jack were the focus of an Amber Alert issued earlier this month.”
The three-week-old search ended in tragedy about 100 miles south of Chicago.
Michael Connolly, 40, failed to return the boys to their mother – his ex-wife – on Sunday, March 8.
Initially, investigators thought Connolly might be in the Chicago area where his relatives live in southwest suburban Oak Lawn. But now, authorities say they found bodies matching the descriptions of the two missing Leroy, Illinois, brothers and cancelled the Amber Alert.
Authorities say the children’s bodies were found Sunday inside a car registered to Michael Connolly. Police happened upon the 1991 Dodge Dynasty after receiving a call about a suspicious vehicle in a secluded area. At around 6 p.m. Sunday, investigators examined the vehicle and found two deceased boys in the back seat area. The body of a man matching Michael Connolly’s description was found about 60 feet west of the car. Autopsies have been scheduled.
The sheriff has not said if there were any obvious signs of trauma or if a weapon was recovered.
On the day that the boys disappeared, there was a restraining order in place against Michael Connolly because authorities say he continued to harass his ex-wife. The two had divorced in 2007 after 13 years of marriage.
BACK to the FATHER ON WEEKEND VISITATION WITH TWO SONS….
The Chicago-area family of the two missing brothers had pleaded with the boys’ father to bring them home.
(Well — see below– the father had already made it clear his intent was to punish his ex-wife. FYI, pleading with some in on the position to extort you (i.e.,hostages taken) doesn’t generally work. Trust me.)
“We love the boys so much. We want them back. We want everybody back. We want our family back together,” said Joyce Connolly, Michael Connolly’s aunt.
The boys’ mother, Amy Leichtenberg, said she warned a judge her ex-husband might take off with the children.
“I told him he was a flight risk. My attorney told him he was a flight risk. Nobody believed me,” said Leichtenberg.
[That was the Amber alert, coming from someone who was paying attention.]
Police had said there was reason to be worried about the boys.
“We are concerned because we’ve had some incidents in the past with Mr. Connolly that indicate he is not a stable individual and that he makes verbal threats towards himself, the children and his ex-wife,” Chief Gordon Beck, LeRoy Police Department, said during the search.
“He has always told me,
cause I took the kids from him,
that I would suffer just like he did,” said Leichtenberg (Mother).
Well, he was a man of his word.
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Written by Let's Get Honest|She Looks It Up
March 30, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Posted in Cast, Script, Characters, Scenery, Stage Directions, Domestic Violence vs Family Law, Fatal Assumptions, History of Family Court, Lethality Indicators - in News, Vocabulary Lessons
Tagged with "We had no idea!", custody, domestic violence, family annihilation, family law, men's rights, murder-suicides, social commentary