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I need to take some time off this blogging (as rewarding as it is to learn the information, urgent as the information as it is to get out, and despite how really urgent the times are).

For the past several days, I was of course (and as usual) in learning mode, and happy about this information and insight — but struggling with the presentation.  Kept losing chunks of text or formatting after having worked them into a good appearance.

I am having issues with learning a few new formatting tools (did you notice the two-column boxes with borders yet? ) and what I’m grasping (conceptually) needs a little more support or help as to platform and presentation.  This is resulting in  what I see are increasingly embarrassing posts (as to format).   I think that this format may compromise the very real value of the content — although obviously format and content are related.

And I need a change of pace, for sure.

In addition I am typically having the roller-coaster income situation which some call the “cycle” of family violence (with good reason).  Roughly translated, this means, that the status quo exists until someone (typically the target party or parties) makes a move to change the status quo of extreme control, and barely concealed malevolent hostility.

Someone reaches a tolerance limit (typically the controlled person) and makes a move to change the status quo, or exit the forced through threat association.  Things are then in flux, and at risk (they are being “unfrozen”) and there is the predictable power struggle to make the next “status quo” (frozen) situation WORSE.  It’s basically like wrestling, more than, say, “mixed martial arts.”  The difference is, there is no coach — no empire to force the parties to break their holds when someone is going to be injured.    You don’t get to “tap out” of situations like this once you start fighting back. At all points someone is seeking to assess the other one for future strongholds, vulnerabilities.

The other apparent thrill someone gets is from privately weakening the parties (‘off the radar’) then getting a nice public demonstration of a “win.”  It’s one SICK game, overall, in which there are never two winners — there’s only a vanquished foe, or there is war.  And it’s not a game to one of the participants.  It sometimes appears to be sport for the others.  They get breaks.  We get “marathon training” with unpredictable breaks.  As such, we (those in the ‘target’ situation) do not either get to engage in a normal, socially acceptable work/life balance or build towards that kind of stability– because approaching this stability or independence of movement, angers the others involved.

I’m saying this openly, it’s intergenerational.

It is the incremental and cumulative losses that have to be looked at, and strengths-assessment, stamina, etc.

As with families (intergenerationally), so also to some extent, with countries.

I feel safe to say that we are, overall, at war in this country — and that this war is for a centralized control (increasingly) and it has an “endgame” which, sorry to say, ain’t pretty.  It is waged on many levels which have a coordination that CAN be seen, however the primary capital and resource for this war, obviously has systems of collection — which are coordinated with propaganda.

Some people may last longer than others in this process, but those of us who have been put into repeat sliding downward motion and family disintegration process — which is the courts.

Meanwhile, there are some advocacy groups which simply need to be exposed.

They are endangering women and children, and what’s worse, there’s a level of deceit in their agenda which is beyond belief.  I plan to document and publicize it, knowing several people who have been involved in this, to the detriment (or certainly, not any real, tangible help) of the groups.

No one — but no one — in this situation can afford to ignore economic self-sufficiency & independence.  And the fact is that, in a parent relationship, if one party goes for assistance in the form of welfare, this will precipitate a child support order.

The child support order will pull in the welfare-diversions, fatherhood funding (a few million a pop), and a lot more unforeseen variables when there has been a violent or abusive relationship.  The power base in this scenario is how PRIVATE organizations are able to pull in FEDERAL (state, county, block grant, church and corporate foundation) wealth.

It’s a fault line socio-politico-economic-religious fault line that ain’t going to get fixed in the near future.  Unless someone truly has a “fix” for human nature.  And religion ain’t it — religion is behavior modification in corporate form.

In order to retain this, (or regain it), it sure does help to take a real look at how the many “helping” agencies and nonprofits function, inbetween preaching and training to the rest of us about how to get a job.

Anything below this line is a summary of thoughts, not necessarily in order.  I am pre-occupied these days, not writing effectively and working on a transition to better format — and a few personal transitions as well.  People who know me how to reach me, and I will respond to legitimate questions or comments submitted to the blog.

My Voice:

I will always have parts of my voice which come from the experience of being a disenfranchised from:  profession, family, and religious support circles — because I tell the truth on them, including how very similar is the patronizing, condescending, and insulting treatment within the abusive marriage, in the name of “family,” household (God, Jesus, whatever — “us” — give it a name, the effect is similar) – and the same treatment by the larger systems of government, simply by the fact that we personally opted out.

And, for the record, the means of control in any scenario (family, community, religion, or government)  is to co-opt (seize, shut down) up front the initial means of escape:  finances, transportation, and maybe credit or something else.  The co-opting of finances may come through sabotaging work, or forcing obtaining “consent” or permission from the “head of the household” (Christian version at a minimum) to work (or, if one works, access to one’s own earnings), or control of access to bank accounts — or (as was my case) both, or engaging in open-conflict war.

The person targeted will not be addressed by name that often, but dehumanized, addressed by one’s function or profile (“wife,” or “mother”) and thereafter by one’s social status (“low-income people”) or other profile, such as whether or not one is receiving some form of assistance.

This then obtained, the abusive person is on a roll, and will start increasing the aggressions when challenged on almost anything (minor or major), or when one form of aggression (or violence) is protested, responde with either an immediate escalation, switching to the physical (i.e., assault & battery), and in general turning what’s supposed to be a positive or mutual relationship into a war zone which has ONE agenda:  Control.  Power, and Dominance.

Submission in this context — when it’s just out of bounds (according to the most common social norms — i.e., physical attacks on a pregnant spouse (or partner); throwing her around, or down on the ground, especially without provocation or warning) — does NOT seem to help.  The person needs the adrenaline fix.  Sooner or later, mere assault and battery isn’t enough, or breaking personal items.  They need to sense their power-over.

I do believe that’s what’s true in the smaller context reflects what’s “in the air” in the larger context.

The partner (or marital) situation the controller is more and more daring over time in the social context, i.e., “pulling a fast one” right before, or right after, social gatherings.   I don’t know how to say this, but I am almost as angry at the bystanders as I am at the treatment.  They were worse than useless; they were enablers, many of them (not referring to casual strangers here, obviously) and not interested to figure something out, intervene, or refer to help.

I think someone fighting back against an abusive spouse jeopardizes an entire system which is based on much more personal abuse than we recognize.   Power and sources of energy in almost any form coming TO me (the mother) FROM others were regarded with suspicion and never allowed to flourish.

Pretty soon, personal energies and sources of hope and help get exhausted.   I am telling the absolute truth that I remember almost ten years of cohabitation as a nightmare, interspersed with the primary good things called having and raising children, and of course a variety of job skills acquired as I was forced out of one situation to rotate into another until it was time to shut that down again.

I would never “go back” and never did, however, society through government programs and the courts associated & funded by them has dedicated millions to making sure single mothers in my situation ALMOST never get away either.  Thats what the family courts, in my opinion, exist for.  To snare the potential escapees — who might other words simply go on, raise children, live a decent life, and be self-sustaining — and not need ongoing “treament” from Big Brother.

While I myself had no intent to completely remove the children from their father in this process (and never did), the converse was not true.  In hindsight, I am firm on this issue — parents who have experienced years of violence, physical assaults, death threats, anything remotely approaching that — should be given sole, physical and legal custody — screw “supervised visitation”; people that need supervision to be around children, shouldn’t be around kids.

Plus the people who sold it as intended for good are using it for evil anyhow; it’s the nonabusive parents who are being now supervised — and beyond that, program grant funds are mis-spent.  That information has been documented now, for over 13 years (1999, KarenAnderson of Amador County; there are many more like hers; a recent one in Connecticut had a mother whose son had documented medical (sexual) abuse, and she was being forced to pay for supervised visitation — $10,000 in a particular month.  This is simply extortion.  The mothers in this situation, trust me, are MANY.

Instead, let the adult in the situation, which presumably mothers are (they are at least usually of age unless a teen/minor mother), move on, giving her a better chance of financial survival in the long term, and let the children learn to deal with it; when they are 18, if it takes that long, then they can go find their father again.    The situation of abuse IS treating an adult like a child without cause; for the system to then do this again to the same person afterwards is simply more abuse by another name.

Let Dad go convince some other gullible woman he’s a nice guy and make some more babies or marry someone else lacking the instinct to know a good one from a basket case.  Mothers cannot afford to keep churning out children while co-parenting with an unrepentant batterer; and if they find a good second relationship, that man will be at risk from the father anyhow.

I believe we deserve some quality and peaceful time with our own, not to be treated like a number in a someone else’s private or public-policy agenda social science demonstration project.  We have already been dehumanized the first time round.

What the current system does, instead, is say “here’s an open door” but it’s actually a revolving door.  One gets out temporarily (maybe) and then is dragged back in again, through interagency collaboration, and through the “coalition” factor — the centralized domestic violence agency coalitions.

The same things we needed to get away then, are still the issues in the wider scenario– which includes not being stalked, monitored, tracked, having basic resources withheld, and work repeatedly compromised (through court battles, as it turns out), having people who dared to stick up for us targeted for harassment, or simply drained — as the opponent, and the danger, is never removed.

I am (quite honestly) looking for a way to live outside an economic system which is based on a cognitive dissonance that I can’t afford to, personally, share, and without an overblown sense of responsibility for saving others who are not interested in changing viewpoints.  I cannot stand being extorted, driven, threatened with homelessness, humiliated by having to ask for help, and not even feeling safe in my own home, STILL.  

And knowing that one great way to eliminate access of mothers to their children after doing what we did to get free, is called, hypocritically “access and visitation” funding.  Which is no longer even the main stream of funding at “only” about $10 million a year.   But what it did was serve as start-up capital, literally, for programs that would function like ATM machines, with some cooperation through the courts, and sometimes even without a court hearing to legitimize the change of legal status.

Key to this is that the presumptions behind welfare, and what puts people on it, are driven by a power system which is itself authoritarian, dominating, abusive, extortionist, and dogmatic.  It’s based on too many fallacies to even categorize.

I believe that the average person can’t hold and retain association in his or her own mind more concepts that can be counted on the fingers of one hand. If they then alternate and pick five more, it’s a rare one that can remember the previous three when two more are added.

Moreover, with information and propaganda overload, there’s a real tendency not to prioritize very well what to focus on at any point in time.  Professionals in particular are prone to tunnel-vision and failing to really take the input of people without degrees in their own field (but possibly as informed or expert in it) seriously.  They bow and curtsy to each other far too much — probably because of feeding off the same king’s and queen’s table.  In our case, this happens to be, generally speaking, “Government.”

I think I came into this world as a hunter-gatherer (unfortunately a female one, when we are expected still to fill the other functions better) and not really a member of a “tribe.”  I can focus for hours, or take in peripheral information, stick it on the back burner, and recall it weeks or months later, while seeking the answer to something that is an anomaly.   I work much better with some personal traffic and sound in the background (and ALWAYS have), and moreover, since the years of abuse, really don’t deal well with small spaces without an obvious exit, or life/work (housing, job, etc.) circumstances that tend to have only one exit as well.

Repeatedly interrupting people engaged in their life work is a form of abuse, and at some point, continued year after year, it’s a serious threat to their independence, self-sufficiency, and liberty, and self-determination.

When the welfare system tries to plug people into stable situations, yet offers legal help to ONE side of the parent equation (after any initial protection order) — this system is a system of ongoing hazard to any community’s stability.  It soaks up resources.  The reason it will never self-resolve is that ongoing conflict simply put, is a business plan.

I will respond to any comments submitted, and til then, recommend people interested in this topic focus on the last few posts, some of the “vital links” blogroll, or (better yet) go on over to ColdHardFacts and start looking at the CAFRs I’ve put up so far, by state.  I’m up to, I believe it is, Maine.

If I can gain a formatting or outline mastery over the last two posts (on each blog), they may show up here, otherwise, consider it a temporary leave to spend more time in the non-virtual world!  Part of my issues is not working from hard copy printouts.

FYI I am also working on a quick-start business plan (or model) which will help women & mothers (sorry, guys! Go call up the local fatherhood organization and ask them for input, or attend a conference and brainstorm!) in my situation to be able to survive without seeking resources from the very people who don’t have them — or exploiting them AS a resource, which I find immoral.  I have had plenty in mind over the years, but been unable to outrun my own PTSD in the matters, while still not completely in a safe, or defensible, living situation.

Written by Let's Get Honest|She Looks It Up

November 15, 2012 at 6:50 pm

4 Responses

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  1. You have been serving us a wealth of information on a silver platter. Thank you. This information and your hard work warrant compensation from where I sit.

    I am a single mother who unfortunately can relate to exactlys what you have posted above. I was self sufficient with a child who was over a decade old when the family could entered my life against my will or better judgement. There was no way out. NONE! I believed supporting the child which was my responsibility and paying my bills while raising a child to grow up and do the same, was what my society wanted. MY MISTAKE! The BIO-hazard=father who is a charming anti-social with other mental issues which he hid quite well, endded up abusive while behaving criminally with drugs, theft, fraud etc.. I gained 3 orders of protectipn due to stalking, harrassment and altercations which were unsafe for a child. Over a decade later while he pondered his release from prison, he decided he knew just the way to launch himself into “a normal looking” life. He utilized all “faith based fathers and families” funds, and game from his prison cell to gain access to HIS CHILD who lived a normal life that he was unable to sustain on his own. Unbeknownst to me, he would have the full backing of family law and all resources in it to gain custody claiming I took his daughter and he now needed help to get her out of my care! He even got a licensed professional counselor/senior pastor to vouch for his ability to raise this child WHILE STILL IN PRISON!!

    Society believes a 9 times felon who’s sitting in prison would have no chance against a business owner, homeowner, excellent credit, not so much as a traffic ticket, hard working single mother with a child who is an honor roll student, helping special needs kids at school who is healthy happy and well rounded.

    Well that paragraph right there can have a line drawn through it as family law/courts/systems stripped me and the child of all our standing in society. We will be lucky to have transportation and a roof over our head by years end. My core beliefs were destroyed and this started back in 2009 and uncovered itself over this time to date while I utilized your blog as one area to help me understand what made absolutely no sense as I went through it. I went to every organization, non-profit, facility along with meeting with my Secretary of State, testifying about this ubelievable problem while attempting to stop detrimental laws heading to the senate and met with an attorney who ran for Attorney General and was the main witness for the Assistant State Attorney after my case was 2 and half years long. When I testifiied it was in front of senators, lawyers, mediators, judges only to learn what’s in this blog helped make sense of what was in that whole group of people.

    The father had the power, the money and free representation to wage an attack our lives which has left us in a state of shock and confusion, not to mention financial and emotional ruin. None of the above helped us! NO HELP FOR MOTHER AND CHILD. Just orders to as the father DEMANDED. White MEN, abuses (be it physical, sexual) incarcerated with “just 9 felonies mainly drug related” who took all MANHOOD 1 and MANHOOD 2 classes in prison, AA, PARENTING CLASSESS and became the PRISON CHAPLIN CLERK right after I was served by a detective from the fathers prison cell!!! I was on the fathers “victim contact list”,. This is a list you are on to be notified of a criminals status. When they are released, parole dates, probation etc. If they are incarcerated for reasons other than a crime against you, you must apply to get on the list. The Department of Corrections decides whether your reasons to be informed of said criminals activity warrants you being notified of the criminals status. MY REQUEST DID WARRANT SUCH NOTIFICATION AND WAS APPROVED. There’s some other “fishy” classifications that changed from highest rate of danger on fathers prison status to absolute LOWEST = NO DANGER status right after serving me with his demand of rights to this girls who did not even KNOW him. She knew of him but not that he was a criminal or anything. “He has some problems” was the gist of what the child knew. She was terrified to be forced to meet this man in an office without ANY SAFE PERSON other than a little old lady who knew exactly how to strip the child of all reality while locking the child in her office and telling the child this is all the mothers fault. The father wanted to be in her life. The mother wanted to abort the child but the father is who saved her. and on and on. Until the child was suicidal The child was so fearful as even “Nickelodeon” teaches children crime is wrong NOT ALIENATING MOTHERS and none of her friends have fathers who are incarcerated but her fears were all the mothers fault. The abuse the father and his “HIRED GUN” inflicted, drove the child to hate a man she had always wanted in her life. The HIRED GUN made sure the mother and child were said to be ILL to the JUDGE and thus they were ordered to counseling. The father who raised NOT EVEN A HOUSEPLANT and was just released from an adult environment OF MEN no CHILDREN was NORMAL??????? So, I, the mother lost everything attempting to get the truth before the judge and protect the child. The father is the one who comes from a broken family of divorce NOT ME. He’s the one that has witnessed divorce, extraction of a parent and abandonment but I was the one accused of doing it.

    I have found the amount of money funnelled to the prisons through faith based fathers rights programs and then out here through the sickest of sick phony advocates, tells me our country is broke from needless spending. I am feeling very sure this blog has uncovered more of “a front business” for money laundering much like the mafia as we know it, BUT BIGGER!






    My case should be a case study of what is wrong in the system. Good people destroyed under the guise of fathers and families. Even when that father has documented abuse and the mother has been told by 3 organizations to protect that child FROM THAT FATHER! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT IN THAT!! The father originally threatened to cut the fetus out of my stomach and kill us all. (documented proof from a team of psychiatrists when he was removed by a SWAT team from my home!!) LOOK AT WHAT I GOT IN RETURN!!! KIND OF SCARY HUH? SO OF COURSE I LOST EVERYTHING PROTECTING THE CHILD. SO NOW WHAT? IS ANYONE GOING TO HELP ME???? DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT. AT LEAST I WON’T FIND A WAY CRIMINALLY TO GAIN WHAT THE FATHER HAS.

    ONE last rant for the “Let’s Get Honest” blog. One last rant!

    The senior pastor/licensed psychologist who wrote the initial fraudulent letter on the fathers behalf while he sat in prison learning how to use the system……….HAD HIS PSYCHOLOGY LICENSED REVOKED DUE TO MY CASE IN APRIL 2012~~ DAMAGE WAS ALREADY DONE! HE ALSO CLOSED HIS HOME CHURCH. I AM WONDERING IF HE STILL HAS HIS PHONY TAX FREE STATUS AS A CHURCH THAT WAS NEVER REGISTERED IN HIS CITY.

    Thank you for all your hard work
    LET’S GET HONEST!! Thank you for the validation and direction into what is truly going on. You helped me stay sane as I have suffered through this legal abuse…………….The father doesn’t have visitation but has been spending his FREE time dealing with ORDERS OF PROTECTION from adults who he attempts to ruin who appear to be more good citizens……………………


    November 16, 2012 at 8:44 am

    • Many share varieties of this experience, but the thing is, to acknowledge (for survival reasons) where it’s at. Yours was, the daughter had no contact with her father until he was fetched out of prison by a faith-based (etc.); mine was religiously justified and socially-enabled (not just religious groups) extreme control + battering when confronted.

      There was a period after the initial few years where there was less battering and more verbal, psychological etc. It didn’t matter who justified it, or whether the rationale for it was wrong, so long as I, the mother & wife, didn’t have the resources to leave and didn’t know my legal rights — and so long as NO ONE in this (urban) area saw fit to suggest someone arrest the person immediately after an assault, including police who were called to this house and saw small children witnessing the aftermath. Therefore, the habit of getting away with it was engrained and established.

      When the turn to suffer some consequences (and it can’t be MUCH milder than, you can’t live here and keep assaulting, and you now HAVE to support your kids at least SOME, and, moreover, your wife is allowed to have a bank account and choose her work life) came round, then our life was rapidly put back in order, and the household, and this was clearly witnessed by the same people that also witnessed the long-term maritial domestic violence. Meanwhile, the domestic violence nonprofits in our area were getting millions (there’s a prominent one) for “prevention efforts” and not reporting to the women they were supposedly helping, one useful thing about the welfare-based marriage/fatherhood movement.

      The people who supported the children and me DURING the abuse (including family court trauma) also didn’t know about it. The fact is, most people do not have a good analysis (economic) of the systems and the world we live in.

      The word “faith-based” wasn’t a household name until an executive order from then-President (of the United States), G.W. Bush, made it one. Pres. Obama furthered and expanded it, which shows us this is a bipartisan issue. For those who don’t know it, if you’ve heard of the “Family Justice Center Alliance” (from this blog, where I reported a lot on it, i.e, “Dubious Doings by District Attorneys,” it got a major jumpstart from faith-based grants via GWBush. I learned the other day a local nonprofit (that has a reputation for NOT really helping women, it just stands by them in support groups wile they go through hell) considers that series of grants one of its partners. No wonder battered mothers (specifically) can’t get help around here. We have to help ourselves by getting smart and understanding more than average.

      Too long on this reply, but I just want to remind you that I am not the ONLy source of a lot of this information. i do believe I may be one of the very few (or only) source who has pulled in so many different elements into one blog, and I also don’t think very many groups are reporting on the Non-assistance of the domestic violence agencies.

      One more reply here…

      Let's Get Honest

      November 16, 2012 at 9:11 am

    • (2nd reply to this comment);
      To my commenter: Thanks for the vote of confidence. LISTEN: Do you have a transcript of the testimony you speak of? And have you identified any of the money funneled to prisons through the faith-based FR groups?

      I approved this comment (knowing, as blog author, who I’m speaking to, obviously). Rather than publishing another “rant” (we all need to rant sometimes, as obviously I do), given some unique aspects of your story, if you can put together an informative (not rant-style) post on some of this material, naming specifics of activities and groups within a certain state (as you see I do here), and enough links to validate some of it, I would like another person to post here.

      I would just require, however, that you take a look at the state, and at least local county “CAFR” for the area you are reporting from. That particular state is a seriously problem state for several reasons; the combo of organizations and legislators in it is just a bit too much to believe….


      “Society believes a 9 times felon who’s sitting in prison would have no chance against a business owner, homeowner, excellent credit, not so much as a traffic ticket, hard working single mother with a child who is an honor roll student, helping special needs kids at school who is healthy happy and well rounded.”

      Society would not continue to function if there were not a belief that there is some justice in the land, and that people who run into serious issues, the issues are partly (maybe 50% or more) their own fault. While this may not be true, most of society works, by and large, the majority of their working days in hope of some future rewards called retirement, health insurance, law enforcement in their neighborhoods, decent schools in their neighborhoods, and a halfway stable life.

      Society is not logical, it just “is.”

      Society, in general, is based on the I mind my business, someone else will mind the messy issues of life, concept. Accordingly, they are living a compartmentalized mindset. The other reason “society” clicks along like this is that most of it has been invested into the economic model in places since at least ca. 1933 (continued state of emergency for the US) and the social security act model; i.e., give the government your money up front in many forms so it can collect and redistribute, in anticipation of a retirement, pension, and them taking care of society’s messes through public employees, law and order, etc. In other words, we live (most) under the federal umbrella.

      through this blog (through writing) I learned about the 11th amendment (that we have no real right to demand any court order be enforced, or any arrest made for violation of a restraining order: Castle Rock v. Gonzales), and about the huge discretion the District Attorneys have to prosecute or not prosecute (see justicewomen.org, who says this clearly and warns about integrating violence protection with law enforcement, which is now “the model.”) I learned simply to read 990s and now I am learning to read CAFRs. I learned how welfare (which some people DO have to go on after separation) is a trap for the mothers on it, and a boon (if they comply) for fathers, who can get sentences — including child support arrears– reduced in exchange for participation in programming. Thus this enables the carpet-bagger industry of such programming. So that we have some sort of “law” is really a myth. It all depends on the context.

      That’s enough for now. this blog has plenty of readers (judging by the figures) but few commenters. And as I said, I am working on some transition. I may get those two posts in draft status up, however, soon.

      Let's Get Honest

      November 16, 2012 at 9:30 am

      • I will look up who the “private” company is that is running the prisons here. I am sure that is a messy issue. That will probably be phase one of the information gathering. I am familiar with an article which was written about the prison system while the bio-hazard was incarcerated. I may find the info there as the article was getting the inmates point of view of how the prison was doing. Bio-hazard happened to be interviewed and made some really stupid statements in print about the prison he was in and from my insider information, bio-hazards life became “at risk” by other inmates as his comments were not “inmate proper”….lol ……….Next thing you know he was moved to a different location. I hope this information leads me to who’s running that particular prison also…….

        I will keep you updated..


        November 16, 2012 at 12:34 pm

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