General Blog Announcement — Check Links, Recent Posts, and/or “Cold,Hard.Fact$”
I need to take some time off this blogging (as rewarding as it is to learn the information, urgent as the information as it is to get out, and despite how really urgent the times are).
For the past several days, I was of course (and as usual) in learning mode, and happy about this information and insight — but struggling with the presentation. Kept losing chunks of text or formatting after having worked them into a good appearance.
I am having issues with learning a few new formatting tools (did you notice the two-column boxes with borders yet? ) and what I’m grasping (conceptually) needs a little more support or help as to platform and presentation. This is resulting in what I see are increasingly embarrassing posts (as to format). I think that this format may compromise the very real value of the content — although obviously format and content are related.
And I need a change of pace, for sure.
In addition I am typically having the roller-coaster income situation which some call the “cycle” of family violence (with good reason). Roughly translated, this means, that the status quo exists until someone (typically the target party or parties) makes a move to change the status quo of extreme control, and barely concealed malevolent hostility.
Someone reaches a tolerance limit (typically the controlled person) and makes a move to change the status quo, or exit the forced through threat association. Things are then in flux, and at risk (they are being “unfrozen”) and there is the predictable power struggle to make the next “status quo” (frozen) situation WORSE. It’s basically like wrestling, more than, say, “mixed martial arts.” The difference is, there is no coach — no empire to force the parties to break their holds when someone is going to be injured. You don’t get to “tap out” of situations like this once you start fighting back. At all points someone is seeking to assess the other one for future strongholds, vulnerabilities.
The other apparent thrill someone gets is from privately weakening the parties (‘off the radar’) then getting a nice public demonstration of a “win.” It’s one SICK game, overall, in which there are never two winners — there’s only a vanquished foe, or there is war. And it’s not a game to one of the participants. It sometimes appears to be sport for the others. They get breaks. We get “marathon training” with unpredictable breaks. As such, we (those in the ‘target’ situation) do not either get to engage in a normal, socially acceptable work/life balance or build towards that kind of stability– because approaching this stability or independence of movement, angers the others involved.
I’m saying this openly, it’s intergenerational.
It is the incremental and cumulative losses that have to be looked at, and strengths-assessment, stamina, etc.
As with families (intergenerationally), so also to some extent, with countries.
I feel safe to say that we are, overall, at war in this country — and that this war is for a centralized control (increasingly) and it has an “endgame” which, sorry to say, ain’t pretty. It is waged on many levels which have a coordination that CAN be seen, however the primary capital and resource for this war, obviously has systems of collection — which are coordinated with propaganda.
Some people may last longer than others in this process, but those of us who have been put into repeat sliding downward motion and family disintegration process — which is the courts.
Meanwhile, there are some advocacy groups which simply need to be exposed.
They are endangering women and children, and what’s worse, there’s a level of deceit in their agenda which is beyond belief. I plan to document and publicize it, knowing several people who have been involved in this, to the detriment (or certainly, not any real, tangible help) of the groups.
No one — but no one — in this situation can afford to ignore economic self-sufficiency & independence. And the fact is that, in a parent relationship, if one party goes for assistance in the form of welfare, this will precipitate a child support order.
The child support order will pull in the welfare-diversions, fatherhood funding (a few million a pop), and a lot more unforeseen variables when there has been a violent or abusive relationship. The power base in this scenario is how PRIVATE organizations are able to pull in FEDERAL (state, county, block grant, church and corporate foundation) wealth.
It’s a fault line socio-politico-economic-religious fault line that ain’t going to get fixed in the near future. Unless someone truly has a “fix” for human nature. And religion ain’t it — religion is behavior modification in corporate form.
In order to retain this, (or regain it), it sure does help to take a real look at how the many “helping” agencies and nonprofits function, inbetween preaching and training to the rest of us about how to get a job.
Anything below this line is a summary of thoughts, not necessarily in order. I am pre-occupied these days, not writing effectively and working on a transition to better format — and a few personal transitions as well. People who know me how to reach me, and I will respond to legitimate questions or comments submitted to the blog.
I will always have parts of my voice which come from the experience of being a disenfranchised from: profession, family, and religious support circles — because I tell the truth on them, including how very similar is the patronizing, condescending, and insulting treatment within the abusive marriage, in the name of “family,” household (God, Jesus, whatever — “us” — give it a name, the effect is similar) – and the same treatment by the larger systems of government, simply by the fact that we personally opted out.
And, for the record, the means of control in any scenario (family, community, religion, or government) is to co-opt (seize, shut down) up front the initial means of escape: finances, transportation, and maybe credit or something else. The co-opting of finances may come through sabotaging work, or forcing obtaining “consent” or permission from the “head of the household” (Christian version at a minimum) to work (or, if one works, access to one’s own earnings), or control of access to bank accounts — or (as was my case) both, or engaging in open-conflict war.
The person targeted will not be addressed by name that often, but dehumanized, addressed by one’s function or profile (“wife,” or “mother”) and thereafter by one’s social status (“low-income people”) or other profile, such as whether or not one is receiving some form of assistance.
This then obtained, the abusive person is on a roll, and will start increasing the aggressions when challenged on almost anything (minor or major), or when one form of aggression (or violence) is protested, responde with either an immediate escalation, switching to the physical (i.e., assault & battery), and in general turning what’s supposed to be a positive or mutual relationship into a war zone which has ONE agenda: Control. Power, and Dominance.
Submission in this context — when it’s just out of bounds (according to the most common social norms — i.e., physical attacks on a pregnant spouse (or partner); throwing her around, or down on the ground, especially without provocation or warning) — does NOT seem to help. The person needs the adrenaline fix. Sooner or later, mere assault and battery isn’t enough, or breaking personal items. They need to sense their power-over.
I do believe that’s what’s true in the smaller context reflects what’s “in the air” in the larger context.
The partner (or marital) situation the controller is more and more daring over time in the social context, i.e., “pulling a fast one” right before, or right after, social gatherings. I don’t know how to say this, but I am almost as angry at the bystanders as I am at the treatment. They were worse than useless; they were enablers, many of them (not referring to casual strangers here, obviously) and not interested to figure something out, intervene, or refer to help.
I think someone fighting back against an abusive spouse jeopardizes an entire system which is based on much more personal abuse than we recognize. Power and sources of energy in almost any form coming TO me (the mother) FROM others were regarded with suspicion and never allowed to flourish.
Pretty soon, personal energies and sources of hope and help get exhausted. I am telling the absolute truth that I remember almost ten years of cohabitation as a nightmare, interspersed with the primary good things called having and raising children, and of course a variety of job skills acquired as I was forced out of one situation to rotate into another until it was time to shut that down again.
I would never “go back” and never did, however, society through government programs and the courts associated & funded by them has dedicated millions to making sure single mothers in my situation ALMOST never get away either. Thats what the family courts, in my opinion, exist for. To snare the potential escapees — who might other words simply go on, raise children, live a decent life, and be self-sustaining — and not need ongoing “treament” from Big Brother.
While I myself had no intent to completely remove the children from their father in this process (and never did), the converse was not true. In hindsight, I am firm on this issue — parents who have experienced years of violence, physical assaults, death threats, anything remotely approaching that — should be given sole, physical and legal custody — screw “supervised visitation”; people that need supervision to be around children, shouldn’t be around kids.
Plus the people who sold it as intended for good are using it for evil anyhow; it’s the nonabusive parents who are being now supervised — and beyond that, program grant funds are mis-spent. That information has been documented now, for over 13 years (1999, KarenAnderson of Amador County; there are many more like hers; a recent one in Connecticut had a mother whose son had documented medical (sexual) abuse, and she was being forced to pay for supervised visitation — $10,000 in a particular month. This is simply extortion. The mothers in this situation, trust me, are MANY.
Instead, let the adult in the situation, which presumably mothers are (they are at least usually of age unless a teen/minor mother), move on, giving her a better chance of financial survival in the long term, and let the children learn to deal with it; when they are 18, if it takes that long, then they can go find their father again. The situation of abuse IS treating an adult like a child without cause; for the system to then do this again to the same person afterwards is simply more abuse by another name.
Let Dad go convince some other gullible woman he’s a nice guy and make some more babies or marry someone else lacking the instinct to know a good one from a basket case. Mothers cannot afford to keep churning out children while co-parenting with an unrepentant batterer; and if they find a good second relationship, that man will be at risk from the father anyhow.
I believe we deserve some quality and peaceful time with our own, not to be treated like a number in a someone else’s private or public-policy agenda social science demonstration project. We have already been dehumanized the first time round.
What the current system does, instead, is say “here’s an open door” but it’s actually a revolving door. One gets out temporarily (maybe) and then is dragged back in again, through interagency collaboration, and through the “coalition” factor — the centralized domestic violence agency coalitions.
The same things we needed to get away then, are still the issues in the wider scenario– which includes not being stalked, monitored, tracked, having basic resources withheld, and work repeatedly compromised (through court battles, as it turns out), having people who dared to stick up for us targeted for harassment, or simply drained — as the opponent, and the danger, is never removed.
I am (quite honestly) looking for a way to live outside an economic system which is based on a cognitive dissonance that I can’t afford to, personally, share, and without an overblown sense of responsibility for saving others who are not interested in changing viewpoints. I cannot stand being extorted, driven, threatened with homelessness, humiliated by having to ask for help, and not even feeling safe in my own home, STILL.
And knowing that one great way to eliminate access of mothers to their children after doing what we did to get free, is called, hypocritically “access and visitation” funding. Which is no longer even the main stream of funding at “only” about $10 million a year. But what it did was serve as start-up capital, literally, for programs that would function like ATM machines, with some cooperation through the courts, and sometimes even without a court hearing to legitimize the change of legal status.
Key to this is that the presumptions behind welfare, and what puts people on it, are driven by a power system which is itself authoritarian, dominating, abusive, extortionist, and dogmatic. It’s based on too many fallacies to even categorize.
I believe that the average person can’t hold and retain association in his or her own mind more concepts that can be counted on the fingers of one hand. If they then alternate and pick five more, it’s a rare one that can remember the previous three when two more are added.
Moreover, with information and propaganda overload, there’s a real tendency not to prioritize very well what to focus on at any point in time. Professionals in particular are prone to tunnel-vision and failing to really take the input of people without degrees in their own field (but possibly as informed or expert in it) seriously. They bow and curtsy to each other far too much — probably because of feeding off the same king’s and queen’s table. In our case, this happens to be, generally speaking, “Government.”
I think I came into this world as a hunter-gatherer (unfortunately a female one, when we are expected still to fill the other functions better) and not really a member of a “tribe.” I can focus for hours, or take in peripheral information, stick it on the back burner, and recall it weeks or months later, while seeking the answer to something that is an anomaly. I work much better with some personal traffic and sound in the background (and ALWAYS have), and moreover, since the years of abuse, really don’t deal well with small spaces without an obvious exit, or life/work (housing, job, etc.) circumstances that tend to have only one exit as well.
Repeatedly interrupting people engaged in their life work is a form of abuse, and at some point, continued year after year, it’s a serious threat to their independence, self-sufficiency, and liberty, and self-determination.
When the welfare system tries to plug people into stable situations, yet offers legal help to ONE side of the parent equation (after any initial protection order) — this system is a system of ongoing hazard to any community’s stability. It soaks up resources. The reason it will never self-resolve is that ongoing conflict simply put, is a business plan.
I will respond to any comments submitted, and til then, recommend people interested in this topic focus on the last few posts, some of the “vital links” blogroll, or (better yet) go on over to ColdHardFacts and start looking at the CAFRs I’ve put up so far, by state. I’m up to, I believe it is, Maine.
If I can gain a formatting or outline mastery over the last two posts (on each blog), they may show up here, otherwise, consider it a temporary leave to spend more time in the non-virtual world! Part of my issues is not working from hard copy printouts.
FYI I am also working on a quick-start business plan (or model) which will help women & mothers (sorry, guys! Go call up the local fatherhood organization and ask them for input, or attend a conference and brainstorm!) in my situation to be able to survive without seeking resources from the very people who don’t have them — or exploiting them AS a resource, which I find immoral. I have had plenty in mind over the years, but been unable to outrun my own PTSD in the matters, while still not completely in a safe, or defensible, living situation.