Let's Get Honest! Absolutely Uncommon Analysis of Family & Conciliation Courts' Operations, Practices, & History

To tell the truth (per my handle, “Let’s Get Honest”), I’ve got something stewing under my collar. And it’s this. I didn’t bring children into this world and remove them from an abusive situation just to have them and it stuffed back into the situation, myself excommunicated for actually speaking up, and the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, So Long as We’re Not Caught” policy I just don’t think is appropriate for the topics involved in our particular family line, including: domestic violence, incest, suicide, mental illness, substance abuse (by my father, who grew up witnessing violence in HIS home), stalking, and in general shred the evidence, point the finger, and let society pick up the tab.

Ain’t that how the cycle is perpetuated?

Sentiments of the Seasons….

I can remember seasons of Christmas (day after tomorrow, my hemisphere), from childhood (glitter, music, lights), from the abusive family (sometimes sullen and nothing — literally NOTHING was allowed to happen).  One year, explosive [assault & battery, I was pregnant, toddler witnessing and affected by it, reacting], I cannot forget THAT incident, which I reported to a relative, who gave a single expression of indignation, and went right back into enabling/don’t ask, don’t tell mode.   To this day…

Less than a month later, a more dramatic repeat of nearly the identical incident, after which I told a doctor, a pastor (OUR pastor), and my mother. Similar reaction.   A pattern was established of non-intervention, and the circus was afoot. 

And inbetween the insane, and steadily increasing control, the job sabotage, the transportation sabotage, the shutting down of access to finances, and trying to keep me at home and on my knees, cleaning, and if I got it clean, more stuff was dumped out, lest I GET out.  Sometimes it was dumped, and he’d grab the kids for some fun times.  Dysfunctional households, major functions not working, and I couldn’t fix this.  Increasing animal abuse, and when I tried to intervene, was myself threatened.   Kids witnessing this.  I kept them, and best I could us, out, and busy with more healthy activities, with strangers who were nicer than family, with classmates, with classes.   Their stuff got sabotaged too, at times.  I had to sneak, sometimes my education, their education, and bargain, negotiate, and figure it out. 

Every possible work scenario:  employed FT office, PT from home office, unemployed stay at home Mom, business from home Mom, and no matter what I did, practically, it seemed to even out, we still had to beg for necessities more often than needed.  It wasn’t a family together holding it together, it was not a sharing situation, it was a dominance situation.  He didn’t lack clothes, transportation, electronics, or freedom to get out unpredictably.  I was to conform to this thing I wasn’t, or else… 

Years went by, and holidays. I remember 2 days before one, we had to flee the home with a barefoot child from a well-set peaceful dinner. His rage was that I had actually visited a pastor for help (I was still dumb enough to thing that pastors might help with this criminal matter and had not yet picked up on my legal rights to ask for an arrest to STOP it!) (and the pastors, on their part, were dumb enough to counsel us both together, meaning, it wasn’t exactly safe for me to speak openly…). He was furious that I’d done this without him being there to, I guess, “interpret” and do damage control on the truth.

Luckily this time, I actually had a car. In the dark, right before Christmas (and not having received any funds to buy them anything) The youngsters and I deliberated (in the dark), do I head for a relative (the same one who did nothing earlier), or Christian friends in a nearby city (who to date hadn’t done anything so far either, though they knew about his physical and economic in particular abuse towards me, which the little ones witnessed growing up). They didn’t ask questions when we just “appeared” at the door while they ate dinner. We stayed overnight.

One of the dumbest things I ever did was to return home the next day, even though I called first and asked whether he could, according to his stated faith, promise to stop threatening us. I even quoted the Bible verse that said “forbearing threatening.” The answer, basically, along the lines of “the devil made me do it, and [ in short, no…] Did I have somewhere else reasonable to go? NO. So guess where I went. Back. Big mistake, I guess.

We were great at doing holidays in front of others and pretending to be happy family (or else, I learned my lessons years earlier for failing to perform up to snuff, making him uncomfortable, resulting in a physical drubbing I shall never forget, and probably (let’s hope) the children blanked out, as one of them was not yet born, but inside at the time.

Like a ripple in the pond, I had to keep splashing about for years, until finally one of my ripples picked up a responding resonance from a “family violence law center” which helped me out, and then sold us out, almost straight out of the gate. Nevertheless, (him) OUT was still OUT, and a definite improvement.

After that TRO, with the energy unleashed, and a woman intent on getting her house in order, now that the chaos-creator was temporarily disabled (i.e., OUT), I most certainly had hope, and stamina and resolve, and within 3 short years (if ONLY the restraining orders had been even a single year longer, we would literally have made it!), we were just about off anyone’s dole, including child support.

In order to become solvent, I had to increase income and reduce expenses.

Alas, doing this meant disobeying an order (I later found out it was an order, not a suggestion) by another nearby male, no kids’ father, and who had not intervened at all (though informed of the violence, and asked for help) for years. Suddenly he became an expert, and I became a needy child (rather than the blossoming woman and mother I was at that time, and further energized by the ability to practice the profession I was trained in, which had been almost shut down by that abuse, and for a long time, too….). When I informed him and his wife that

~~he had no jurisdiction in this divorce/custody issue; it was between the father and me, not the whole “clan,”
~~a restraining order was on, and please stop sending messages from my ex via you to me, that’s breaking it…

~~In case you’re not watching, I have things to do, i.e., a business to rebuild (like, WORK?), and in essence….

~~thanks, but no thanks, and if you wish to learn more about the thing you just proclaimed yourself expert on (talk about self-anointed!), here’s where you can find out. I’m BUSY…. ”

I had learned, now, not to take years before deducing whether this person was willing to listen, or interested in interrogating me without witnesses, and I didn’t waste much time in making an assessment. Not much time to lose, eh?

Nor did he (not my ex, but his new “buddy” on my side of the family) lose much time in building some momentum from the anti-single-Mom, don’t let them get loose side of the family, and I experienced a new phenonenon — not just tolerance and silence, but actual flip-flopping betrayal, followed by serious aggression.   It was a win-win situation for them.  They got to be heroes, and nobody was accountable for either domestic violence, or having enabled it, or missed it.  They had a common cause enemy — derailing the conversation, and, me if I protested said derailment.

Sensing true male support in his “let’s dominate a woman” cause (sort of like the church had given during the marriage), my ex picked up some steam himself, meaning, I had to face both of them as a single mother. Nevertheless, Dad at least paid child support steadily; apparently he understood this was an obligation. Myself, I tried to mind my own business, get along, and was in general still in “good girl” mode, but this time with more boundaries.

Until we went into family court. Reviewing how this happened, I realized (too late) that the manner, which I hear from respectable authority locally, is common practice — that TOO violated due process. He was informed in advance, an ex parte decision was made by a judge to consolidate actions, and it was sprung on me in court when I went to renew the order. THIS was the beginning of the degradation of:

my relationship with the children, as they watched me both prosper, rebuild, and be respected among colleagues and their friends’ parents (many of who were professionals in this, or that field), and themselves began to blossom as people, wh le still seeing Dad regularly….

~~due process in any subsequent court hearings
~~any sense of predictability and order in our lives, as court orders began to have less and less meaning, of any sort, and
~~first thing to go — of income, and (which family court EXISTS for, folks!)
~~tipping the power balance back towards the (abusive, in this case) father.

Soon enough he picked up ANOTHER woman, this time to live with, drive her car, help with aggressions towards me, and apparently (?) pay h is bills, meaning he could afford to not work: translation: CHild support arrears began to mount, and Dad became more and more troublesome during the week, as well as weekends. Restraining order got stripped off the last round of hearings. I tried for another. This time it was girlfriend, father, and MY ( female) relative on one side of the courtroom, and me, alone, striving to protect what was left of my work life, on the other, as well as the kids’ educational alternatives (which had been a target). I lost. I was sent to debate with his lawyer, him and myself OUT of the courtroom, and for hours, I tried (alone) to stick up for my rights in front of a man who’d asssaulted me. No one — at all — was with me. As good an arrangement as I thought I had (definitely better than nothing), it was inadequate protection.

One more year of more nightmare exchanges — weekly, any week, any holiday, and during the middle of the week (remember? no restraining order in effect, although exchanges no longer happened at my home) — could be, and many were, incidents. I gained and lost a prime music job, a car, and ground. The speed of job losses was beginning to frighten me. Oh yes, and he’d learned a new trick — sporadic child support payments. My credit had already been ruined, and this hurt us, for sure. If only, I thought, I could get some LEGAL help and get either (A) protection so I myself could work without job loss, or (B) child support enforcement, so he would work, and therefore have less time to harass me while I was working. (I was self-employed professional in the arts at the time, working with kids, and had to show up with my emotions intact and usable, and LEAD things. This is dang hard to do when safety, whereabouts of one’s own kids, and trepidation at whether or not right before or right after a job is going to escalate. I burned up the cell phone bill calling crisis lines, stayed on the internet searching for help, got validation of what was right, but no means to do anything about it (Hence, “I don’t CARE “WHY Does He DO that?” I care how to make it stop!) and so forth. My kids managed, somehow…

I learned where help wasn’t. This is helpful, for not going there with hat in hand NEXT time round. I survived by talking to people. I was found at times crying in the parking lot right after an exchange. We went from police incident to job, or job to police incident. The same family members that enabled in the last decade did worse, this decade — they SHOWED my kids now to “Say nothing, Do nothing,” and exploited the increasing PTSD for increased bonding with themselves. I was aware of this and spoke to it; it seemed to be something of an operational plan.   Cause an incident, grab the kids, take them to the relatives, they bonded while I was in shock, rather than actually having a respite from the other parent over a weekend, or a week.  ….

When I asked for them to support court order enforcement, as I was attempting to do, I was met with increasing anger and indignation. Expect the father to work, like I was? To behave, like I was? WHo the hell did I think I was? A citizen or something?

I began going after the child support also, when that became a thing.  I did printouts, mailed my relatives (mistake, but i was still learning), and even attempted to tell a 911 policeman I’d called to the scene for his refusing to leave MY home (and there was only one exit from the place, and I had no car) on a non-pickup day.  I showed the nonstop calling, described it, and told the fellow (in this nice suburban town) that we had a history of violence, and I was attempting to say no to arbitrary orders on his part, no reason given (particularly in light of increasing child support arrears) and restrict us to the actual wording of this court order. 

No deal.  The police officer let him violate, and the race was off. Oh what a season THAT was!  That’s what led me to try for a 2nd restraining order.  Jobs I got to replace jobs were being affected.  Add a new responsibility:  It became clear I was going to have to locate a domestic-violence-proof profession, and I was serious about this, and went in a certain direction.

Now, eventually, as I’ve probably narrated ad nauseam herein, this escalated suddenly on an overnight visitation when I’d just moved — again– into another very promising housing and work situation, nearby, great schooling, great opportunities, and income (mine at least) in progress.  His actual residence, something up in the air, although my attempts to smoke it out, supported by court order, were NOT supported by him, his girlfriend, my relatives, or even police I asked to enforce THAT aspect of the order,showing it to them. No deal.   My kids, naturally, were absorbing this, and every now and then one of them would give me some very pungent analysis of the situation.  She knew they (plural) felt they needed another “win.” 

I continued to tell, in writing at times,  the people NOT on the court order that they were NOT on the court order, and please let the Mom (me) and the Dad (him) work this out like adults;  you are supposedly also adults, and don’t you have a life, somewhere?  I do — where’s yours?  Go get a foster child, there are needy kids.  Go get a life purpose, don’t you have another one somewhere?  I said, in writing (and when we had to talk, over the phone), if you love (my daughters) as you are shouting from the housetops (and on court paperwork, to which they now began adding), how about demonstrating it in this manner:  help their Dad find a job & work.  Like I am — see?  Encourage him to obey the court order — like I am.

No deal.  That wasn’t on the agenda.

AND so yes, another Christmas, after my kids were kidnapped, essentially, Dad dumped out on the street by woman #2, who still won’t fork them over, and what else is new in lala land, no one even in the court OR law enforcement system appears interested in enforcing, or helping me to, any order.  Should I try for another CERTIFIABLY INSANE RESTRAINING ORDER (or anti-stalking) for what I would consider, currently to be these CERTIFIABLY INSANE policies being pursued, zealously, by this certifiably dysfunctional family line (mine, I mean)…???  Wow, that sounds like a “great” idea.  …  Someone else would have to blog any resulting statistics, as I’d be less likely to survive this round.  It IS escalating, and there are only so many more places one can escalate to, at this point…

So, yeah, that’s in my mind today (obviously).  I do not share the “let’s not have conflict” and “let’s not talk about it” mentality. 

Jesus Christ had a lot of conflict in his life, and ministry, surrounding his birth, and death.  And we human parents aren’t supposed to?

Should we just go along with the crowd, like too many did until finally someone raised a ruckus, as happened in Richmond?

Is it a family value to shut up under criminal behavior?  Or else?  No, I have daughters.  I wish them to know WHAT”s right and speak up in the face of what’s wrong, if they can do so safely.  And I want a society where they CAN do so safely.  I have XX years ahead, by the grace of God, and they have XX plus another generation or two more.  So, right from wrong counts.  Direction they are being steered in counts.  Associates count. 

Values count.  Values about what is most important — placidity? Or integrity?  Can’t always have them both. 

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So, I just narrated some married (WITH a father in the home) and SINGLE (without a father in the home) years.  Now, some of my fellow bloggers have a thing to say — by “fellow blogger,” I mean, probably on my blogroll, or another favorite I picked up along the way somehow. 

I may be inactive for about a week, depends on internet access.  Have a happy season, remember those who don’t, and make plans for what to do when the tinsel comes down… And always, always count the cost of hiring Big Brother to Design, Educate, Evaluate, Raise, Adjudicate, and Legislate YOUR family.  Get YOUR family to understand YOUR legal rights (in whichever country) and carve out some time to learn what they are.

And make a big stink about any violation of them:  “Don’t tread on me.”

And teach your sons and daughters to do the same. 

Beware the 2nd wives club, that’s where women can get pretty vicious, I”ve watched this, and the males involved in the background, enjoying the show, and the perks, including money, respect, and probably just the drama of it.  I hear they are, after all, visually oriented, and it’s quite a spectacle, being fought over, or fought for. 

NB:  I’m not a second wife, you betcha.  I’m a Momma.  And what I’m steamed up about, I just found out who was carting them off where, again, this season, illegally.  Damn….

I was just getting warmed up here.  Now for the re-post, and my repartie, afterwards:

HERE”s RANDIJAMES.com, on Obama on Mother…  My comments below.

Saturday

Obama and His Fathercentrism

It has become more than apparent that our President has some psychological issues related to his father being “absent.”

But is it really that serious? And does he have to make the rest of us suffer with him?

We all know that the President, in spite of having an absent father, turned out quite well. In fact, President Obama said that his mother was “frequently absent.” So, where does this leave us? Is this such an atrocity because of the racial issues? Because we knowz dat da man keeps telling us dat da Black family be damned ‘cuz of all of dem single momz.

Obama’s father was an “intellectual” who pursued his goals, including attending Harvard. He was like many men who are committed to education and career first, and thus leaving the family behind. He may not have been “there” for Obama but Obama can still attribute some of his own success to his genes.

How many other Black boys and men can say the same?

And don’t go blaming single Black mothers, again. If these fatherless kids end up as troublesome youth and adults, you can likely attribute that to the characters of their fathers, coupled with the constraints of life in poverty.

Obama described his own father as “volatile and vaguely threatening.” Would he have wanted someone like this in his life full-time?

What Obama is doing and preaching is unfair, because he is coming from a position of privilege.

Didn’t Obama make his family secondary to his career?

The fact that he remains married and participating in his household [as a “father”] is related to the resources that he has had available to him (education and money for both Barack and Michelle, and a patient wife whose number one duty is the kids), coupled with his value system and self-esteem issues related to his family of origin.

I respect that as a role model, our President is intent upon helping us reach the mountaintops through speech directed at fathers. But we would be better served if Obama focused on our educational system and jobs, respected different family styles and values, and licked and healed his wounds on his own dollar and time. By giving people the tools they need to reach their potential, everything else will fall into place. Stop legislating the family.   [end of post]

My feedback:

Whitehouse.gov on “Families” (notice “Women” are filed separately from “families.”)

Guiding Principles

A strong nation is made up of strong families. Every family deserves the chance that so many of our parents and grandparents had – to make a better future for themselves and their children. Strong families will always be front and center of President Obama’s agenda.

This is why, while Fatherhood Folks (Jeffrey Leving, etc.) helped him get in office, and HHS of course going full steam ahead withpromoting the conservative evangelical Norman Rockwell heterosexual, a chicken in every pot and a father — ANY father, no matter the behavior, we’ll haul them out of prisons, too — in every kid’s life, because when H1N1 ain’t got nothing on fatherlessness.  On the other hand, we have a bang-up educational system where if you’re not LGBT-friendly, you’re committing a hate crime and to be feared as a religious bigot. This also applies if your kids are not attending public school where they can figure out which values apply.  Just to make sure, we have a new appointee…

EDUCATION:  

Invest in Education

President Obama is committed to providing every child access to a complete and competitive education, from cradle through career. First, the President supports a seamless and comprehensive set of services and support for our youngest children, from birth through age 5.

Yes, indeed, whose children are they?  Ask AFCC, ask any mental health professional, social worker, guardian ad lit, and family law attorney (“$$$”), they are OUR children. Forget the parents, and particularly the mothers….

[[I blogged earlier on the absence of the word “mother” in his pages on “families.”  You can search this site.  I don’t see it currently.  Apologize for my sarcastic tone…]]

50 Richest Congressmen

The 50 Richest Members of Congress (2008)

Sept. 22, 2008
By Paul Singer, Jennifer Yachnin and Casey Hynes
Roll Call Staff

IN 2007, The Obamas were 10th.  Interesting, that….Not that I mind, but it’s not exactly the typical perspective….

CommonDreams.org:

MANY of the top 10 are Democrats, per this:

Roll Call calculates net worth based on the minimum assets and minimum liablities listed in each lawmaker’s annual financial disclosure report. These reports exclude some assets including primary residences, however, and may not provide a full representation of a Member’s financial portfolio. Click column headers to resort the chart; click Members’ names to see descriptions of their assets; for top 10, click their net worth for PDF copies of their disclosure forms. See story for details.

Assets, liabilities, net worth and difference figures in millions of dollars.

Interesting, anyhow…

Next Post, Dr. Chesler letter to Alice Walker re: her pro-Obama stance.

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