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“Where’s Mom?” Or, “Virtually Invisible in Public Policy Agenda” — The Amazing, Disappearing Word, “Mother”!

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If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.  

I revisited WhiteHouse.Gov/Issues/Families (again) to check my memory or whether the Change we are to hold in our national imagination, did not include — almost at all — the concept of MOTHER in association with the word FAMILY.  

I was right, and will demonstrate this for you today:

Despite public proclamations that we are suffering from “father-absence,” in fact, our country’s going to hell fast unless we declare war on fatherlessness (source of society’s ills), I am here to tell you, to the contrary, public policy actually is suffering — and has been for some years now — from “MOTHER-ABSENCE.”

I mean, I went looking and the word is just about Not There!  Below (skip down to the color-coded section if you are short on time) I am going to take you by the hand (so to speak) and show you this, from “whitehouse.gov.”  If time and fate allow, on another day, I will show you the almost identical phenomenon on the “Family Violence Prevention Fund” website. Possibly this relates to the respectable, and long-established nonprofit having taken its funding from certain government departments (like HHS), or perhaps it relates to its Board of Directors (I did look); it seems to be a sea-change.  We’ve gone so Ga-ga over Dada that it has become necessary, supposedly, to eradicate the mere mention of “Mama” from the vocabulary.

I have picked up a similar trend, possibly, in even the National Organization for Women, which I declare HAS helped me considerably in family law matters (no, I am not a member), but which appears in some respects to have dropped the ball.  It seems that no one can really picture a world with the word “mother” in it, but instead daycare is in order — only.  LGBT rights and Pro-Choice candidates (that means, choice to abort) are the word of the day.  The fantastic background, for example, that I see on the California NOW Family Law Page, seems to have languished since about 2005.  More on that later.  Yet feminism, motherhood, and choice to stay home with one’s own, ARE women’s issues.  That topic, I have not fully looked at yet — I am too upset by the current topic.

Women are allowed to exist, just not for the most part, “mothers.”  I don’t think this is accidental.

How are we supposed to fulfill our maternal obligations in any personally responsible manner if someone one at the Top Doesn’t Remind us of it (and promise to Reward us for it, too, you know, the carrot and stick routine of behavioral modification?  That is, FYI, what our government is doing these days to Fathers.  It’s stroking their — egos — verbally, talking them, it hopes, into an upright, erect, and functional position within their families.


Which, apparently, do not include mothers.  I mean, can YOU Find it on these pages?

I went looking again, and if you can tolerate my bad taste, off-color sarcasm (which makes me — and I’m a Momma with a bad hair day in progress — a little happier).  If you can’t change it, mock it.  But I mean, how come this type of talk is being taken seriously?  Is our public education system, nationally speaking, worse off than I even imagined?  I mean– is it that no one is LOOKING?  Or is it that this is now normal talk?

You can either scroll right down past the opening (long) dialogue (again, which makes me feel a little better for having said it) to the portion where I start color-coding a page of the white house web page (I think this is called profiling, but I don’t think it’s illegal) to illustrate just how many times the word “mother” appears on a full blown description of “Families.” and the Obama Administration’s agenda for us.

I know someone who runs a blog called “Mothers of Lost Children.”  (wordpress.com in case you were curious).  However, this pages talks plenty about “children,” but seems to have lost a grip on the fact that before you get a single child, ANY child, somehow, somewhere, sthere has to be a delivery.  And she can be cutt open, conscious or unconscious, she can push it out, with or without help, but THE second that baby comes, alive, out of her womb, SHE becomes technically speaking, a MOTHER.  So IO just feel that as a good proportion of the population, and as mother of ALL of the US population, wherever we presently are, the word MOTHER should be statistically a little better represented than it currently is.  Below.

Of course the reason I myself am actually LOOKING at these sites, is that I want answers for why my mothering wasn’t good enough for this court system; behaviorally, I committed no crime, obeyed the law, and shared my kids with Dad.  I also worked, taught, and educated those girls.  I speculate (below, top rant — not summary rant) on what the cardinal sin was.  You may not be interested, but I bet the color coded guide to the Family page might be relevant to these discussions.  Perhaps — this will show why I got all hot and bothered when a group from Australia surfaced, talking about the issues of domestic violence and poverty, and could actually SAY the word “mothers” in a non-negative sense.  (NCSMC).

Well, wordpress takes about 4 minutes to save these days, so here it goes:



I complained about this last April, also



I know I have been picking on “President Obama” in this blog.  



Well, He’s not my Daddy, and he’s not the Nation’s Daddy, He’s not the Father of all the Head Start Children, and He’s not my Webster’s Dictionary or Roget’s Thesaurus.  Neither He, nor the Executive Branch of the United States, nor all 3 branches together, not one entity is my Messiah either.


You can’t tell this by reading what the White House has been saying, or taking a good look at some of the HHS budget.  We are in Designer-Family mode (designer-nation mode?)  Have we ALL forgotten the words, republic?  Legislature?  etc.?  Just because some people have fancier, faster, and more interlaced internet connections (i’ve had to FIGHT even to keep mine on, post-divorce), that shouldn’t eradicate our form of government (of, by for the people, right?)  How many people, specifically?



I’m a domestic violence survivor, and a vocal/choral person.  My BUSINESS has been paying attention to words, for performance, and for survival.  They are indicators, they are signposts, and they can incite people to different activities, including sometimes wars, or genocides.  And I have studied some of these, and just as there ARE parallels between PTSD after domestic violence and PTSD after war, there are also parallels between the talk PRECEDING such things as the Holocaust and Rwanda.  Hate-talk, broad sweeping declarations, and scapegoating.  


I can’t figure out what’s behind scapegoating motherhood as a whole, unless someone really HAS produced an artificial womb, and we will not longer be even needed for the first 9 months or so.  Whatever’s behind it, I say, wake up!



Back to our President.  He’s NOT my kids, or the nation’s kids, “Daddy.”


He’s the Elected (and not by a landslide, either) President, and sworn-to-uphold the Constitution Man on the Job.  I think too many Americans (perhaps we may point to our school systems?) have forgotten that document, along with the Bill of Rights, and have possibly lost our moorings among the designers of the titanic (pun intended) ship of state.


LINGUISTICALLY, I can say that language doesn’t even match biology on many of the white house sites, evidence-based practice or no “evidence-based practice.”  



Upholding the Constitution and performing the office of President — and not designing and restructuring families, linguistically or any other way — IS the job description, among other things — detailed in the U.S. Constitution.



I’m a mother.  I’m no longer kicking out babies to shortly thereafter kick out of my house (to go to Head Start, Early Head Start, or offer their poor little selves for a 0 to 5 program evaluation of “how children learn” or “the effect of paternal involvement on school readiness” or such.


I didnt become a Mom


poor(relatively speaking), or 

unacquainted with responsible MOTHERhood, 


Like many of my cohorts, I got more than a bachleor’s degree — and professional experience — before hooking up and settling down, I wasn’t clueless on how life works or how to have a healthy baby.


I also didn’t become a Mom even outside wedlock, which happened mostly to be simply part of my belief system, both common sense and faith.


I also didn’t become a Mom in my teens (or pre-teens), or even 20s, but late 30s, in fact I was 40 for one child.  Nor am I at all alone in this statistical profile.


I had not been taught how instinctively to tell when wedlock might turn into a “headlock” which mine did, physically speaking.  Maybe a more promiscuous lifestyle, or prostitution for that matter, MIGHT have taught me to judge men better, but I doubt it.


Now I have a rhetorical question, for Father Obama:  I realize you are recently a President (although as a Senator — and in 2007, the 10th richest in the US, according to one study I read), you did not START the Fatherhood thing, and we now have a pretty good idea who.  (“WE” meaning women who’ve been through what I have.  Note.  Most of us wouldn’t qualify for spitting out more kids for the 0 to 5 program.  One thing I have recently Re-qualified for is Food Stamps.)  Actually, I have two questions:



(1) Where’s the Change in the fatherhood propanda?  Aren’t we done yet?  If not, why not?  You are talking just like Bush & Clinton in this regard.  The talk matches the budget — you don’t want the kids with Mama, and you consider OUR kids YOUR (communal) property, i.e., the “Property of the State.”  While this may be appropriate for a prison uniform (only) or a courthouse, it is NOT appropriate for boys, girls, and adult mothers, or, for that matter, law-abiding fathers.  


When about half the US is female, and a GOOD portion of those are OVER 21 years AND mothers, one time or another, Where’s the Representation of this word in the White House Style Sheets?  Because I’ve looked, and I see “women” (though not filed, for the most part, under “families”) but I don’t see “MOTHER.”  


So rhetorical question one is, that aint’ change — where’s the change in this talk, action, and budgeting?



(2) Since you have now proved how a single MOTHER can get a son into the U.S.Presidency (and married to a Harvard grad), and since 

I have now proved how a single MOTHER can get get one intact (female) child into the UC Berkeley, and graduating in the top 3% of her class, despite hell she went through from 2-8 (when I filed TRO with kickout) and MORE hell and abuse (including parental kidnapping — unchecked, unreported, and uncorrected), and I also proved how to get my entire household OFF food stamps and within plain view of solvent — withOUT taking up some of the $XX,000 of state (or is it federal?) public education funds to do so — how come YOU can’t keep YOUR administration out of MY family’s pants, purse, and pursuit of excellence, let alone happiness?


How come you can’t say the word “MOTHER” on the site “FAMILIES” in “WHITE HOUSE.GOV”


I’m now back on a Food Stamps leash (no nonfoods, no cat food, no vitamins, no fish oil, and only certain– higher -riced — stores are acceptable).  


While I”m on the topic, we have recently learned that the head of “Office of Child Support Enforcement” (Nicholas Soppa) and “Project Save Our Children” is himself a deadbeat Dad in the employ of — get this – the largest federal department, you guessed it, HHS.  Last I heard, he spends his weekends in jail rather than pay that money-grubbing bitch (MOTHER of his children).  I doubt it’s that he can’t, or needs job training.  He is himself a deadbeat Dad.  And how come the HHS refuses to garnish his wages?





Why has “competent single mother” become an unpronounce-able concept?  Why have women like myself become a social pariah?  Because I might show someone else where certain policies are full of holes



Now, I had myself off that, and my household too, until Family Law had a better program design, a seamless, womb to tomb, morning to night, hospital to hospital (birth/death), nationalized everything plan.  I didn’t want to sign up for the educational portion of this, which REALLY, I guess put a monkey wrench in the works — a solvent single mother not on food stamps and off the radar.  “Help, help, get her back!” Was the sense I had.


And I was within range of getting off that child support safety (?) net too.  I ALMOST made it. I called this behavior “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness,” which didn’t take $100K a year for me,  IN fact, I have since learned, I was making somewhere around what it costs to incarcerate an adult male in my state, for a year.


But I had just not done my patriotic and Personal Responsiblity to JOIN the welfare state.  I wasn’t earning enough money to fund a foundation, or REALLOY kick in some tax revenues, NOR was my family, really on welfare and as such providing fodder for the Ph.D. programs’ federal grants to study.


(NOTE:  this may sound irrational.  Don’t judge until you’ve followed more of the links, posts, and data I have, many of them on this site. I was stunned, too.  I felt fiscally clobbered at first, finding out how, why, and pretty much by whom my household — FAMILY – had gotten legally clobbered.)


Anyhow, back to then, me as single mother, daring to pursue happiness without enough government guidance.  This HAD to be stopped.  I would like to note here, that the guidance counselor (unsolicited), self-appointed, for the job, and just graduated from a government (actually, state) certification program, at which time it became clear that, as wet as (he, coincidentally, not “she” at this point) was under the ears in this category, this was no deterrent.  Full of age, gender, pride, and presumption, he jumped, full-immersion style, into my personal business and continued to attempt to run it against my will, even after I (politely) put him out of my house and closed the door afterwards.  And said, No thank you.


In fact, it was in this person’s subsequent (again, unsolicited) essays to me, about my sins (what else?), including dire prophecies and psychological armchair insights, (and a medical diagnosis or two of me, or my children thrown in for good measure), that I noticed this linguistic tricks, and perspective-switching talk, such as calling something “dysfunctional” which had already been called “violent” and mentally erasing about 20 hears of my life history, addressing me as if I was a little ignorant child, and a wayward one at that. 


Anyhow, several years ago< i was caught in the act of being Personally Responsible AND a Mother, and without a man in the house.  I forgot to add, our daughters were seeing Daddy regularly, in fact weekly (unless he skipped by choice).  Even though a DV restraining order was in place.  We were healing, recovering, and prospering.  Horrors!   !!!


Enter “Family Law” venue, the reversal of the income growth chart, and back go Food Stamps, eventually.  It took a little while, because I fought back.  Oh yes, that’s not a responsible motherhood behavior either.  No, no.






Virtually Invisible in Public Agenda



This should be not taken personally, although I am having a bit of hard time, on behalf of the many, many mothers who became noncustodial as what now seems to be an overdosage of federal fatherhood funding f–ing (excuse me..) “duking it out with” due process in the family law arena.


I have noticed this before.  I thought I would visually and statistically SHOW how ODD it is that the word “mother” just went underground, in favor of “father.”


Hey, if cars are going off the road and hitting pedestrians (see my last “can we call it a Day on these “Days”? post), which they are (some of them kids, many of them women), one might look at mechanical system (laws, rules of court).  One might look at the gas in the tank (VERY few do this, some do, Liz Richards of NAFCJ.net in the D.C. area being one, also people in StopFamilyViolence.now and some others have finally begun looking at the FUNDING) (see randijames.com also).  FINALLY.  


How many are also looking, perhaps at the carburetor?  It adjusts the mix of gas and air in the inflow right?  (I’m obviously no mechanic).  How rich is the fuel?  Is there oxygen?  


Well, the “atmosphere” of the “inflow” (of gas — cf. $$) is the rarefied vocabulary of the tops, decisionmaking intake funnels of these places.


Today, we look at usage.  WORDS.




what did we do, to deserve to disappear?


I have some friends who belong to N.O.W. (I don’t) and we commented on the need to return

this issues of mothers and the courts to the dialogue.  The public has a short attention, but it takes a good 18 years at least to raise a responsible father or a safe mother, or (tap on wood) perhaps both genders might make it to 21 without starting a family yet.  


I personally feel that keeping the public education system both relevant and engaging MIGHT help in this matter, but that’s my private opinion.



I already did this for FVPF.org.   Here, I am doing it for WHITEHOUSE.GOV/ISSUES/FAMILY.





The Message is in the Usage.

The Power of Repetition








LET ME COUNT (and Color Code) THE WAYS.



  •  1x   PINK — mothers — ONE, and ONLY one, stellar appearance, (not independently of fathers.)
  •  10x  BROWN — Families
  • BLUE Fathers OR Fatherhood
  •  13x Grape — Children, Young people
  •  3X  RED: — Women. (“Ladies first”)
  •  (Never  independent of “and men” or children 
  •  3x “and men”/1x “young men”
  •  President Obama Is/was/are/will”






Ten days after taking office, the President established a White House Task Force on Middle Class Working Families, led by Vice President Biden. The Task Force is focused on raising the living standards of middle-class, working families across America.

The President’s American Recovery and Reinvestment Act provided needed support to families enduring difficult times.

  • The Act protects health coverage for 7 million Americans who lose their jobs through a 65 percent COBRA subsidy to make coverage affordable.
  • The Act also boosts family incomes by expanding the Child Tax Credit to cover an additional 10 million children in working families and creating a new Make Work Pay tax credit.
  • To help working mothers and fathers obtain quality child care, the Act includes an additional $2 billion for the Child Care and Development Block Grant, $1 billion for Head Start, and $1.1 billion for Early Head Start.
  • To fight hunger, the Act includes a $20 billion increase for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), formerly known as Food Stamps, as well as funding for food banks and the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC).
  • The Act increases the Weatherization Assistance Program by $5 billion to help low income families save on their energy bills by making their homes more energy efficient.
  • The Act increases job training funds for those who need them most, with $3.95 billion in additional funding for the Workforce Investment system, which will support green job training, summer jobs for young people, and other opportunities.
  • The Act provides increased income support, including an increase of $25 per week for Unemployment Insurance recipients and incentives for states to expand unemployment insurance eligibility, as well as an extra $250 payment to Social Security and Supplemental Security Income beneficiaries and new resources for the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program.

Guiding Principles

A strong nation is made up of strong families. Every family deserves the chance that so many of our parents and grandparents had – to make a better future for themselves and their children. Strong families will always be front and center of President Obama’s agenda.

Support Working Families

President Obama is committed to creating jobs and economic opportunities for families across America. And he is restoring fairness to the tax code and increasing child care so that working families have the support they need.


Reform Health Care

President Obama is committed to working with Congress to pass comprehensive health reform in his first year in order to control rising health care costs, guarantee choice of doctors, and assure high-quality, affordable health care for all Americans.

Invest in Education

President Obama is committed to providing every child access to a complete and competitive education, from cradle through career. First, the President supports a seamless and comprehensive set of services and support for our youngest children, from birth through age 5. Next, President Obama will reform and invest in K-12 education so that America’s public schools deliver a 21st Century education that prepares all children for success in the new global workplace. Finally, President Obama is committed to ensuring that America will regain its lost ground and have the highest proportion of students graduating from college in the world by 2020.


Promote Work-family Balance

Millions of women and men face the challenge of trying to balance the demands of their jobs and the needs of their families. Too often, caring for a child or an aging parent puts a strain on a career or even leads to job loss. President Obama believes we need flexible work policies, such as paid sick leave, so that working women and men do not have to choose between their jobs and meeting the needs of their families.

Strengthen Families

President Obama was raised by a single parent **  and knows the difficulties that young people face when their fathers are absent. He is committed to responsible fatherhood, by supporting fathers who stand by their families and encouraging young men to work towards good jobs in promising career pathways. The President has also proposed an historic investment in providing home visits to low-income, first-time parents by trained professionals. The President and First Lady are also committed to ensuring that children have nutritious meals to eat at home and at school, so that they grow up healthy and strong.







MON, JUNE 22, 9:29 AM EST

Fathers Out on the Town

A little more backstory on the famous and exceptional fathers who came to the White House for the “Responsible Fatherhood” event on Friday.



SUN, JUNE 21, 10:27 AM EST

Responsible Fatherhood 

A special Father’s Day video, and an op-ed from the President on being a responsible father

 Includes video.



FRI, JUNE 19, 7:39 PM EST

A Town Hall on Fatherhood

The President hosts a town hall at the White House to discuss the importance of fatherhood and personal responsibility

 Updated with video.







FRI, JUNE 19, 4:15 PM EST

President Obama Launches National Conversation On Importance of Fatherhood and Personal Responsibility


FRI, JUNE 19, 9:28 AM EST

Presidential Proclamation Father’s Day 


FRI, JUNE 19, 8:26 AM EST

ADVISORY: President Obama to Discuss Importance of Fatherhood and Personal Responsibility 





Hey, I had a choice of candidates, and he got my vote, for many reasonsONE of which was, I felt that perhaps, having been raised by a single MOTHER (translated below into the wordparent”), he might acknowledge, along with me, a single mother who, absent government interference through this family law forum, and despite domestic violence, was shouldering myPersonal Responsibilitywithout complaining about it, hesitating, or dodging it, eitherIm not antiworkI also loved my childrenIn fact, when someone was interfering with me doing this, I actually sought help so I could continue to carry my share of work, and I already was of parentingWhen their education was inferior, I also returned to the former, superior brand of it, innocently enough and reasonably so.


MORALNEVER, if possible get on one more than 3 governmentally organized radars simultaneously.



Little did then I know what demonstration projects had been projected upon our populace in this geographic area, and how deeply this would trickle down to the courtroom.


WHY did I not know?  

Well, if your car aint running, would you think of looking at the atmosphereor its mechanical operationAnd how many people would go look at a federal agency (and its history) as well as a host of related credentialing and certifying organizations, and a child support agency, to figure out why this car keeps running off the side of the road (of evidence, facts, and fairness) into pedestriansANd yet, so extensive is the operating system these days, that this is about HOW ponderous, how networked, and how invasive and pervasive some very, very basic human processes are.



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I did certain kinds of music, for years, I lived, breathed, talked and walked certain melodies, harmonies, vocabularies.  Even in some of my mental down time (including going to, from and sometimes during school, as I took buses), and on weekends, and among my friends, this was what and who we were, enthusiastically so.  We knew the jargon, and used it and could discern varieties of practice within it.


WELL, the Family Experts live, breathe, talk, and walk certain jargon with each other too.  When Federal talks to Nonprofit talks to University talks to Court, guess what?  that’s common air inhaled.


And where’s Mom?  Where did she go?  Is she hiding under “Women’s Issues?”  Maybe. . . . I’ll have to go look (again) Where is the positive, federally promoted ACT of MOTHERING or being a MOTHER?


Even God, and an apostle or two, compared himself in some aspects to a nursing mother, a tender nurse cherishing.  Jesus Christ compared himself one time (in grief) to a mother hen.  One of his hallmarks (hey– it’s my blog!  Did  I say no religion?  My Government hasn’t said that  — they have a national religion (see last few posts) and faith-based advisories too.  So, deal with it!)  was that he actually NOTICED women that his disciples and others ignored:  widows, women caught in adultery, (Where was the man), a broke widow casting in her last mite (for the cause), and old woman stooped over, a woman with a fever, and so forth.  The reason I have noticed this is the stark contrast with many buildings, and locations, I’ve been in using the word “God,” and they not only didn’t notice women (except when their services were needed), they didn’t notice when one of the men was beating on one of his women.  Or, living with him, they lacked, when he didn’t — same household.  Basics.


Where did the concept of Motherhood go?


I gather, it is not wanted.  We are to go to work, no matter what the wages and what the future, or hand over our children to a federal program.  Alternately, we could seek to enforce child support, in which case, sooner or later, it’s quite likely that any “dude” who woudln’t willingly pay it may protest, and go grab his kids back, in which case she is STILL handing over them kids.



Look above:  they are “our” children.



I want to know why the word “mother” is in disfavor, and whose policy was it to eliminate the usage.  As a copyeditor, I know that there are “style sheets” and that these differ with different publishing houses.


As an educator, I read “The Language Police” (about the text publishing industry, telling how self-censorship affects even the proposal level of textbooks, for political correctness.  I also know that, as in courts, California leads the way, along with Texas, in this arena).


So, HOW COME a private nonprofit (well-funded) dedicated to prevention of violence against families, including WOMEN, has now gone all gaga over fathers?  And how come this reminded me of the whitehouse site as well?


How many people here noticed that the incoming “change.gov” did not have a hyperlink for (correct me if I was wrong), “women.”


How dare anyone talk so much about families, which requires 9 months (usually) of gestation, followed by labor for even one baby, to come to suck air, and sometimes this even can occur outside a hospital or without a doctor, and the child survive, or thrive, yet not say the word “mother?”

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